Attachment Parenting and Us

Before Lauren was born, I encountered a new parenting style I'd never heard of called Attachment Parenting (AP). As soon as I started finding out more about AP, I knew it was the way for us. AP is definitely not the "easiest" parenting style out there, but I am confident that the investment will pay off down the road. In fact, I think it already is.

The big "guru" of AP is Dr. Sears. AP has been around since the beginning of time, but only recently acquired a name. According to Dr. Sears, there are 7 key components to APing a baby (bold is from Dr. Sears' website, regular text is how we did it):

1. Birth bonding

The way baby and parents get started with one another helps the early attachment unfold. The days and weeks after birth are a sensitive period in which mothers and babies are uniquely primed to want to be close to one another. A close attachment after birth and beyond allows the natural, biological attachment-promoting behaviors of the infant and the intuitive, biological, caregiving qualities of the mother to come together. Both members of this biological pair get off to the right start at a time when the infant is most needy and the mother is most ready to nurture.

I didn't get to hold Lauren until about 20 minutes after she was born, and I' m so disappointed in this. I think our initial breastfeeding struggles could have been prevented if I had been able to nurse her immediately after birth. After Lauren was placed in my arms, I didn't put her down for a day. A whole day. She slept in my arms or next to me. I wouldn't let the nurses take her to the nursery, except for an hour one day to have her hearing test and a bath. I'm so glad we got to spend this time bonding.

2. Breastfeeding

Breastfeeding is an exercise in babyreading. Breastfeeding helps you read your baby's cues, her body language, which is the first step in getting to know your baby. Breastfeeding gives baby and mother a smart start in life. Breastmilk contains unique brain-building nutrients that cannot be manufactured or bought. Breastfeeding promotes the right chemistry between mother and baby by stimulating your body to produce prolactin and oxytocin, hormones that give your mothering a boost.

I could write a novel on how I feel about breastfeeding. I think many mothers' attempts at breastfeeding are undermined by factors they are not even aware of. Lauren and I had a rough start at breastfeeding, but we eventually got the hang of it. It was so tough at first, but now it was worth it a million times over. There is nothing more special to me than the time Lauren spends nursing.

3. Babywearing

A baby learns a lot in the arms of a busy caregiver. Carried babies fuss less and spend more time in the state of quiet alertness, the behavior state in which babies learn most about their environment. Babywearing improves the sensitivity of the parents. Because your baby is so close to you, you get to know baby better. Closeness promotes familiarity.

Lauren spent nearly all of her first few weeks in the sling. We continued with it through probably seven months, but after that she wanted to get down and explore. After that, we didn't continue with it as much as I would have liked, but even today we still do it occasionally when she needs the comfort.

4. Bedding close to baby

Wherever all family members get the best night's sleep is the right arrangement for your individual family. Co-sleeping adds a nighttime touch that helps busy daytime parents reconnect with their infant at night. Since nighttime is scary time for little people, sleeping within close touching and nursing distance minimizes nighttime separation anxiety and helps baby learn that sleep is a pleasant state to enter and a fearless state to remain in.

We started off with an Arm's Reach Co-sleeper, but after a few weeks she just ended up in our bed more often than the co-sleeper, and she's still there. I adore cuddling up to Lauren at night, and waking up next to her in the morning. Co-sleeping makes life so much easier for us most of the time. I don't like sleeping alone, and I can't imagine that a baby would, either.

5. Belief in the language value of your baby's cry

A baby's cry is a signal designed for the survival of the baby and the development of the parents. Responding sensitively to your baby's cries builds trust. Babies trust that their caregivers will be responsive to their needs. Parents gradually learn to trust in their ability to appropriately meet their baby's needs. This raises the parent-child communication level up a notch. Tiny babies cry to communicate, not to manipulate.

I truly believe that babies (especially young babies) cry because they need something, not because they want to be an inconvenience to their parents. For the first six months of Lauren's life, if she was crying, she was being held. Around that age, babies start to cry for reasons other than needs, but we never let her cry it out. Ever. If she's communicating with us, we listen.

6. Beware of baby trainers

Attachment parenting teaches you how to be discerning of advice, especially those rigid and extreme parenting styles that teach you to watch a clock or a schedule instead of your baby; you know, the cry-it-out crowd. This "convenience" parenting is a short-term gain, but a long-term loss, and is not a wise investment. These more restrained styles of parenting create a distance between you and your baby and keep you from becoming an expert in your child.

There are parenting "experts" out there who tell us that babies need to be trained. They're not dogs, for pete's sake! If anything, we as parents need to be trained to learn how to read our babies and listen to what they're telling us. For the first year of life, the baby was boss in our house.

7. Balance

In your zeal to give so much to your baby, it's easy to neglect the needs of yourself and your marriage. As you will learn the key to putting balance in your parenting is being appropriately responsive to your baby – knowing when to say "yes" and when to say "no," and having the wisdom to say "yes" to yourself when you need help.

I can't remember who told me this, but who ever it was told me that sucessful parents and partners put their marraige and each other first before children. I think this is pretty good advice. Even though we're not "married", we are more married than many married people I know, if that makes sense. In the first year especially, of course the baby is going to get most of your attention. We always try, though, to talk to each other and make time to keep our relationship strong.

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I love attachment parenting. Of course, I don't know any other way of doing things, but I feel so connected to Lauren. I know how she's feeling just by looking at her. I am just now learning how AP works in the toddler years, but I know it's going to be a wonderful journey.