Okay, so Peeler and I went to the mall today to do a Godiva shop, among other things, and every other person I saw was wearing mini skirts, leggings, and big belts. I feel like I've just stepped out of the 80s. There are some fashions that should just NOT come back. I'll admit that Peeler has a pair of leg warmers, but they were just too darn cute to pass up. I dunno, I guess Santa's gift of choice this year was 80s duds.

On another note, I'm totally loving Freecycle. In the past few weeks, I've gotten rid of so much clutter - the crib, ExerSaucer, old stroller, other random baby stuff....I love it! A lady is supposed to be coming tonight to pick up some more stuff. I really thought I'd be sad about seeing all the baby stuff go, but I'm not. I'm so ready to be past the baby stage.

Speaking of baby stuff - how exactly does one go about entertaining an almost-one-year old for long periods of time? Maybe this is bad - but I get so bored trying to entertain her all the time. Well, not all the time, because she's pretty good about playing by herself, but of course I need to play with her sometimes. After we do the ball rolling thing, ring stacking, reading a book or two, playing with the cat....I'm just out of ideas. I tried giving her markers today, but she was more into eating them than drawing with them. Any suggestions?

We've been swimming the last two nights. There are three very good reasons for this:

1. Swimming at night = No bath for Peeler. Yes, we're lazy.

2. Swimming at night = Very tired Peeler when we get done.

3. We are very boring people and sitting in the house sucks.

We finally got smart tonight and brough P's pajamas with us to the pool so that when we were done we could just change her right out of her suit into the pj's. Worked well. Smart mommy.

I'm supposed to be working on a school paper right now, but it's really proving difficult without having the textbook. Heh. We've been so freakin' poor lately that I've been putting off buying it until after Christmas, but it looks like the time has come. I sold $50 of stuff on eBay the other day, but I'm still waiting to get paid, so hopefully when they pay me I'll order my book from Half.com. Oh, the joys of being young and poor. Heheh. I just keep repeating....it'll all be better someday.

Merry Christmas!

We've had a nice, quiet Christmas here. Our festivities began Saturday night. We went out to Applebee's for dinner, and Donald's mom called us during dinner and insisted that we open our presents that night, because that's when they were opening thiers. So, we got home and opened up our presents from Donald's family. Lauren didn't really get the concept of "opening presents", but she had fun once they were opened for her. She got soooo much stuff, and I really don't know where we're going to put it all. She got:
3 outfits from Gymboree (Donald's mom)
4 other springy outfits (Donald's mom)
Old Navy bibs and turtleneck (Charlotte - Donald's sister)
Drop & Roar Dinosaur (Me & Donald)
Baby LeapFrog system & cartridge (My dad)
Playskool Ball popper thing (Kate & Mike - Donald's cousins)
Laughing baby doll (Aunt Cathy)
Regular baby doll (my mom)
Little People play set (Me & Donald)
Two hooded towels, frog and duck (Donald's mom)
Two Pooh outfits (Danielle and Eric - Donald's cousins)
Crocodile Piano (My mom)
Farm animals popper thing (Anna - Donald's sister)
Mega Bloks set (Me & Donald)
Glow in the dark Care Bear (Donald's mom)
Little Tykes Trains, Planes, and Cars toy (Me & Donald)
Check for savings from Great Grandma Addyman
LeapFrog Farm Puzzle (My dad)
Musical shape stacker thing (Donald's mom)
And I know there's more, but right now it's buried so sorry to those people who's stuff I didn't list.

Our almost-hidden Christmas tree.

Peeler opening her ball popper thing that takes FOUR "D" Batteries. Ugh.

Hmmm....what's this?

The Crocodile Piano that doesn't work - gotta take it back to Toys R Us and get an exchange.

Later, Donald and I exchanged our gifts. He got me an arm band for my iPod, a rack for the DVDs and tapes, and two watches. I gave him a marshmallow gun, a talking bank for all his change, and a watch. From Donald's family I got a shit-ton of scrapbooking stuff and a candy dish. Donald got loads of Star-Wars stuff and a day planner. Then Donald got busy assembling everything :o)

Yesterday (Christmas Eve), Donald had to go into work for a while to play catch-up, so Peeler and I cooked dinner. We made ham, green bean casserole, mashed potatoes and ham gravy, glorified rice, rolls, pumpkin pie, and apple crisp pie. It was all yummy, and Donald cleaned up after dinner. The rest of the night we sat around and watched Christmas shows on TV and played with our new stuff.

Today, we got up around 10:30 and I cooked a big breakfast - eggs, pancakes, hashbrowns, bacon, sausage, cinnamon rolls, and donuts. We've talked to a million people on the phone, and now we're just lounging around. We don't plan on getting out of our PJs, except to go swimming later, and that's just fine with me. I would have liked to spend the day with family, but since that's not possible, this was okay. Next year we're going home, darnit.

Hope everyone had a great day!

I must say it's been a good week. First, I got my iPod. Second, Donald got a 20% raise at work. Then, we got our deposit in the mail from our old apartment. Today, Donald got a really nice Christmas bonus from work. Oh yeah, can't forget that I have the perfect Christmas present for Donald. Will have to tell you about that later, though, because he might read this.

We are so excited for Christmas. Well, at least I am. Donald is the grinch :o) Peeler has sooo much stuff under the tree already, and we're expecting two more boxes from Wisconsin today! Speaking of, I wish UPS would hurry up and get here because I'd really like to take a shower and got to CVS.

We've got the extra room almost cleaned out. The plan is to put a bed in there for my dad, and also use it as a playroom for P. Right now all of her toys are in the living room, and it's driving me crazy. I just need to be able to shut the door on the chaos, know what I mean?

iLove...

my new iPod! I've been waiting and waiting for the UPS man to bring it, and finally, yesterday, he did! Yippie! I've only been wanting for for the past 2 1/2 years, and now I'm the last person on earth to get one. My dad promised me one for my birthday this year, and like all things my dad does, it was just a little late. But that's okay, I LOVE IT! Now I have no excuse not to go work out. Hopefully Donald get me the armband for Christmas (hint, hint).

Thanks, DAD!!!

The Hooters shop went better than expected. Mystery shopping is when you go to a business, rate the service, etc, then go home and fill out a questionnaire about it. You usually get paid to eat there or make a purchase, plus a fee. It's kinda fun...it's like you're spying on the employees, hehe. You basically just watch for all those things that companies require, then report on it. Easy cheesy. Anyway, the food was yummy, so that's what matters.

There's a video on CNN.com today about a high school that is abolishing the honor roll because it causes too much stress for students. Put simply, I think that's BS.

I remember high school. I always made pretty good grades, and part of the reason for that was that I liked be rewarded for my efforts. There were other reasons, too (internal motivation, my dad killing me if I didn't, etc), but recognition did play a role. I knew that if I went to school, turned in an assignment that wasn't up to par, I'd hear about it - from my teachers, friends, and parents. Sure, I was stressed in high school. But when has stress become such a bad thing??

In the last 5-10 years, kids have become coddled to the point that it makes me want to puke. Teachers can't use red pens because it's damaging to kids' self-esteem. Huh? Sports teams can't hold try-outs because it's not fair that some kids aren't good enough to make the team. Oookay. Sure, seeing your mistakes and realizing that you're not the best can be stressful, but that's what life is all about. If kids go through life without learning about these things, they're going to be in for a fun time when they're adults. Can you imagine an employer just hiring everyone so they didn't hurt anyone's feelings? Unfortunately that's not the way things work in the real world.

I think schools have an obligation to prepare students for life after high school. Any way you look at it, stress is part of the real world. We are not doing kids a favor by protecting them and not teaching them how to deal with these things. Life's tough - and they should be prepared. Abolishing stress from their lives is NOT they way to do it.

We have to go to Hooter's tonight to do a mystery shop. When I got offered the assignment, I asked Donald (because he's the resident Hooter's expert, lol), if we could do it since Peeler will have to be with us. He assured me that kids go there all the time, so we'll see. Peeler'll probably be looking at all the "hooters" and thinking, "Man, that's a lot of milk!" We'll see how it goes. I can't say I'm thrilled about it, but hey, it's $20 plus a free meal. I've only been to Hooter's once, and I swear it was just to play trivia.

Peeler's in a crappy mood today. I think she's getting ready to conquer another developmental milestone, because she's just been restless the past few days. She's really on the brink of talking, I think. My girl is growing up so fast!

We had a quiet weekend, mostly. Saturday we had just a few Christmas errands to finish up, but it was crazy out there! Traffic on County Line Rd. was horrific - I think it took us about 20 mintues to drive from FedEx to our house, which is only about 2 miles away. Nuts. Donald was going crazy by the time we got home.

Today I went to CVS and Wal-Fart to get some groceries. I hate Wal-Mart. I usually go to Kroger, but I had a gift card for WM, so I went. Bleh. That place is my own personal hell. At least Donald stayed home with the kiddo so I could drive the cart in peace.

We went swimming tonight - we always go swimming on Sunday nights. A few weeks ago, Donald *invented* backwards swimming. LOL, don't ask. Anyway, he was being all big and bad about how he could almost swim all the way across the pool backwards and how hard it was. Soooo...I gave it a try and got all the way across the pool on the first try. LOL. He says he doesn't like being beaten at his own game. I'm a pretty good swimmer though (or at least I used to be), so maybe he shouldn't get too sad. He had to re-take swim all four years of high school :o( Poor Donald.

Cruisin'

Okay, I can't keep it to myself any longer! We're going on a cruise in April. Yippe! Well, Donald's staying home, but he was invited. My cousin, Trisha, is getting married on a cruise and I wasn't even planning on going, but my dad called me today and asked if I wanted to go. He was going and found out that he had to pay a higher rate because he's single, and the rates are based on double occupancy, so it was the same price for me to go along as it was for him to go alone, so he's buying! The only thing we have to pay for is airfare to Ft. Lauderdale, which shouldn't be more than $200. So....Peeler and I are going on a 5 day Royal Caribbean cruise to Key West, Cozumel, and Belize! I've never been on a cruise before but I think it will be fun.

So this makes three trips we're taking in the next six months. P and I are going to California in March, cruise in April and Wisconsin in May/June. I'm so lucky that Donald is completely cool with us going all over the place all the time. Hehe, he doesn't care because he gets to live the bachelor life while we're gone. He is coming with us to Wisconsin in May, but he's only staying for a week, and P and I are staying for three.

I'm so excited!

Oh, No you didn't!

This is what happens when I'm on the phone and Peeler's on the loose. This is mild, actually - last week she emptied my coupon folder and they were all over the dining room. I need a cage.

"Can't you see I'm busy, mom? I have lots of letters to write! Now leave me alone, please."

How Lauren became Peeler

Donald is big on nicknames. I can't tell you the last time he called me "Katie". Our cats, officially Sammie and Zowie, and known as "Choopie" and "Co-pee". I guess he has a thing for p's. So, it should come as no suprise that our little girl was called "Lauren" for all of about an hour. He first started calling her "Lilo", then that gave way to "Pilo" which eventually became "Peeler". And Peeler has stuck. Sometimes we just call her "P"; I usually call her Peanut, monkey, roo, or rooster. The poor kid probably doesn't know her real name. I'm sure she'll hate us someday for all these weird nicknames, but oh well. Every kid hates their parents for something. Heh.

Monday was the last day of Peeler's swim lessons before Christmas. I did not know this because we missed the previous week because the kid was sick. We knew that the swim school had a big Christmas party on the last day of class, and Donald had intended on taking the afternoon off to come. I thought it was next week. So, we got to class yesterday and everyone's parents and grandparents and third cousins were there, and I felt like a jackass because it was just me and P. Needless to say, I also didn't bring the teacher's Christmas gift. Oh well. Classes start again Jan. 3, and P got to move up to Waterbaby 2! She loves the water so much and lessons are so much fun for both of us. She's learned to go underwater completely, swim alone about 1-2 feet, and can splash and kick on command. Well worth it.

~~~~~~~~~

I think I've talked before about how much of a pain it is to find somewhat healthy food on a buffet for Peeler to eat. At Pearl River Monday night we had the same problem. The only vegetable on the buffet that wasn't soaked in butter was lima beans. I scooped some up on my plate, but wasn't too optimistic about P eating them. Boy, was I wrong! The kid devoured them. Honestly, she's really not into solids too much as she's still a boobie baby, but man she liked limas. I'm going to have to go buy some now. The only thing she liked better than the limas was Donald's ice cream. Heh. Figures.

~~~~~~~~~

We did have a nice time at PRR. It's always nice to just get away for a couple days. Monday night we just kinda hung out in the room.
A funny side story that I must add: When we got home from swim school Monday night, I got P's clothes ready for her to wear that night. I put them on the couch and then asked Donald to get her dressed. I went in the bedroom to get myself dressed and came back out to the living room a few minutes later. Donald was getting some stuff ready to pack, and I went in the living room to work on the suitcase. I saw P's pants still on the couch, and told Donald that he forgot to put the kid's pants on. He said that he did put them on...... He had put her pajama pants back on her, thinking they were her real pants! Boys. Good thing I usually do the dressing...the child would be scarred for life. Heh.

~~~~~~~~

Tuesday we had nothing to do, so we decided to drive to Meridian just for the fun of it. Yeah, there wasn't much fun. Two good things did come of it, though. First, we got to eat lunch at A&W, which we haven't done since we left Wisconsin. They even had cheese curds!!!! They weren't nearly as good as Culver's, but they were cheese curds nevertheless. Second, we stopped at Big Lots, and I bought a Venus Fly Trap plant!

Now, I think this thing is freakin' cool, and I don't want to kill it, but I have no idea what to do with it. The instructions say to keep it at 40 degrees Nov-Feb, because that is when it is dormant, but the darn thing doesn't look too dormant to me. So, I guess to get it to go dormant, I have to put in the cold, but where exactly am I supposed to put it that's 40 degrees? The fridge? And should I just stick it in there and leave it, or gradually get it used to the cold? Or should I just forget about making it dormant, an keep in the warm for the winter? Gah I'm so confused!

~~~~~~~~~

Because I am a mean and horrible person, I made Donald pose with Peeler for some Christmas-y pictures. He'll forgive me someday :o)

I've been saving up some links lately:

This site has some lovely, beautiful games that will keep you occupied for hours. I especially like this one.

This guy is my hero. If I didn't have any debt, I would do the same thing. Very inspiring.

This lady is completely crazy. She seriously needs some Prozac or something. Warning - contains some swearing, listen without the kids.

We kinda had a lazy weekend around here. Today I went through all of our CVS stuff and organized it so we can give more away and then donate the rest to a women's shelter. I also finished decorating the cookies and got a few tins ready to be mailed out to Wisconsin. We went swimming this evening for about an hour, then came back and just hung out.

Tomorrow we're going to Pearl River for two days just for the fun of it. We get coupons in the mail every month for two free nights, so why not. We're leaving after Peeler's swim lesson and we'll be back Wednesday morning.

Don't let me forget - I need to post a picture of all our CVS goodies! Seeing is believing :o)

Why I am a Horrible Mother Part I (Because I'm sure there will be more)

So, yeah Peeler "helped" me bake Chistmas cookies. After I had finished mixing the dough, her little spider arms grabbed the spatula from the counter, and she started licking the dough off. At first I didn't really think anything of it - I figured I'd let the kid have some fun. Haha. Then I realized there were raw eggs in the dough. Yeah. Yummy salmonella. Well, she hasn't gotten sick yet, so I'm assuming it'll be fine.....

Mother Shock

A few months before Lauren was born, I read this post on Tertia's blog. I sort of forgot about it until tonight. Tonight Donald and I went to Buffalo Wild Wings with the crew from his office, and as we were leaving he said something to the effect of Peeler ruins lots of things and that he kinda misses our old life. Peeler actually had done pretty well - we'd went to the boat parade at six, and then we went straight to Wild Wings and we were there until nine. She started getting antsy about 8:45, so we decided it was time to go. But for those almost-three-hours, she sat in her high chair, watching and listening to all the big people, smiling when necessary.

When you're pregnant, everyone tells you how much having a baby will change your life. I always just sort-of believed them. How much different could it be, really? Even the first few weeks of Peeler's life, I remember thinking, "Oh, this isn't so bad....I don't know what everyone was talking about". And then, slowly, you start to learn that you're not in charge anymore, a tiny baby is, and that whether you like it or not, she will control your life for the near future.

Sure, Donald is right in a way. Having a baby has "ruined" some parts of our life. We can't go out with our friends whenever we want and stay out until dawn. We don't get to go to the movies, or to the gym, or even to the grocery store in peace. But I don't like to think of those parts as "ruined"....just different. Someday we will be able to do all those things again, without a baby. But for now, we're living in a different country, and need to speak the language of the locals. This new country has lots of parks, lots of laundry, and tons of hugs.

Finally, after almost a year, I'm becoming fluent in this new language. Mothering is coming more naturally and it's hard to imagine going back to my "old" life. Donald's getting there - some people just need more time to adjust than others. Driving home from Wild Wings, the Mother Shock concept just kinda popped back in my head, and it makes so much more sense now than it did before.

The baking stage of sugar cookie maddness is over. Tomorrow the icing will begin. I believe I have about 9 dozen in all, so it should take me awhile! All I have is time, though. Heh.

Donald's sick now. I seem to have escaped the wrath of the germies for now. Hopefully it continues that way.

I have lots of stuff to write about schwooping around in my head right now, but no energy to write about it. Here's my list
~CVS and the crazy Kleenex lady
~Pictures of Peeler "helping" me make cookies today
~Entertaining Peeler while I'm on the phone and why I hate talking on the phone
~Boat parade on the Reservoir tomorrow night

Okay, maybe that's it. So I have a list, now I have to write about it. We'll see :o)

First, I have all of my baking and decorating supplies ready to go for tomorrow. Tomorrow night I'm baking and cooking till the cows come home. I'm sending goodies to some of my teacher friends at the church, my mom, and my dad in California. I think it's so sad that we're not going to get to be with any of our family this year, so I guess I'm providing myself with sweets for therapy. Hum.


Second, Donald and I bought Peeler a set of Mega Blocks for Christmas, but we couldn't contain ourselves and had to get them out to play with last night. We made some robot-looking guy, which Peeler promptly destroyed. We also came to understand why the Mega Bloks were so cheap and the Legos were so expensive: the Mega Bloks suck. They don't stay together for anything! Guess we should have spent the extra $20 for the real thing. Oh well, I doubt Peeler will care. Anyway, I forgot to take a pic of the robot guy, so here we are cleaning up. Note Donald's reach-y thing....since I bought him that, he won't bend over to pick anything up, not even toys. Lazy man.

Finally, I had to entertain myself for a while today by decorating Peeler with a bow. She didn't like it.

I'm sad to say that my special delivery did not arrive today. Instead, the UPS man brought one of Donald's Christmas gifts. Darn UPS man. Bring my goodies soon!!!

Turns out that all the antibiotics Peeler's been taking has given her diarreha. That's just wonderful. Let's just say that we're not using cloth this week. Bleh.

Finished, finally.....on to better things

Okay, so I just submitted my last task for my last class of the last term (never mind that the term ended a week ago), so that entitles me to some fun, right? Good...because I wasted like 3 hours today watching movies. First, if you haven't seen March of the Penguins, watch it, because it is awesome. I never thought I'd tear up over a penguin, but I did. Very good. Second, I watched the documentary, Jesus Camp. Also highly recommended but for entirely different reasons. That movie is frightening on so many different levels, and when I muster up enough brain function to write about it, I will.

Okay, on to Christmas cookies. For some reason, I like baking Christmas cookies. So far I've made some chocolate Andies mint cookies and almond bark pretzels (okay so really not a cookie but whatever). I think I'm going to make some sugar cookies, but beyond that I'm stumped. Anyone have any good suggestions? I'm not really one for all the "traditional" Christmas cookies, if you know what I mean....and simpler is better. I want to try Gingerbread, but I've never made it before, and I only like the soft kind. So I dunno, we'll see.

Ohh yes....I got everything done today that I wanted to do! Peeler (who's feeling much better) and I went to the Post Office, CVS, and the grocery store. So all of my Christmas cards and packages are mailed!!! Yippeeee! Tomorow I want to run to Target to pick up some tins for cookies so I can mail some to the far-away family, but I need to be home between 2-5 because I have something extra-special coming via UPS!!!! So excited!!!!!

Catching Up

We ended up taking Peeler to the Dr. yesterday afternoon. Turns out she has bronchitis and an ear infection. They gave her a shot of Rocephin in the office and a prescription for Omincef for the next 10 days. I'm not usually a big fan of antibiotics because I generally think they're overused, but honestly, I don't have the energy right now to care. Sounds bad, I know, but I'm wiped. The good news is she seems to be feeling better today and actually slept from 9:30 last night till 8:00 this morning.

It seems now though that Donald and I are getting sick. I'm all coughy and stuffy this morning, and Donald says he is stuffy, too. And that's just terriffic. HAHA.

I did pass my test last Wednesday. Seems like a month ago already, but I guess it wasn't. Heh. My new term started Dec. 1, but I'm taking it easy for now.

I'm shopping for good, affordable health insurance for Peeler and I (Donald gets his free from work). Any suggestions? Donald can add us to his policy at work for about $280 a month, but that seems like an awful lot.

Okay, guess that's it. If I've promised you anything in the last week or so, I'm sorry. I'm sooo backed up in all areas right now. I REALLY need to go to the Post Office today - I have about 10 packages and all my Christmas cards to mail. So if you're expecting a package from me - with any luck at all you'll have it soon. Heh.

Sick baby

Poor baby girl has been sick since Wednesday. It started with a simple runny nose, but by Thursday morning she was really stuffy. This is the first time she's been sick, and I'm blaming it on that dumb airplane. I just feel so bad for her because there's really nothing that I can do. I'm sure she'd feel much better if she could just figure out how to blow her nose, but unfortunately that's a few years off yet.

She's on the mend, now though, I think. She was happy playing this evening and didn't want to go to bed, unlike past nights where she's passed out at any chance. She's still having trouble nursing though, because she's so stuffed up, so I have to attack her every so often with the snot sucker (professional term). She hates that thing, and cries every time she sees it. Poor thing.

I started to feel like crap yesterday with a headache and sore lymph nodes. Today the headache is gone but the lymph nodes are still swollen, so I'm hoping I've escaped illness. We'll see though.

The thing that really blows about all this is that Donald and I actually had a babysitter for last night and had to cancel because Peeler was sick! Grrrrr. Oh yeah, last night around seven one of Donald's friends called and wanted him to go out and play pool. He then asked me if it was okay, and I told him it was up to him and his conscience (hehe). He told his friend he'd call him back later and let him know if he'd be out. After he got off the phone, he asked me again if he could go and I told him that I'd really rather he not go out. I mean, come on....kid's sick, wife feels like crap and has been taking care of sick kid the past three days by herself....give a girl a break here and stay home!!! Oy vey! MEN!

Gah

Ugh, I'm working on a bear of a task for my last class of the term, Testing. It has to do with formal vs. informal assessments and it is not making me happy. I'm kind of on a time constraint, too - I really need to have this class done by Thursday, but that's not going to happen. My term ends the end of November, but I technically have until Dec. 15 to finish up my classes. Anyway, I finally found a good website that basically spells out the information I need, so writing shouldn't be too much of a problem. I'd intended to finish the paper tonight, but looks like I'll be working on that tomorrow.

Tomorrow I also take the big objective exam for my first term. It covers everything I'm supposed to have learned in my first five classes. Hopefully I pass - it's worth four credits!!

We're baaaaack!

We're baaaack! We ended up staying a week longer than planned, but hey, we were having a good time.

We left Monday moring. I took this pic before we left and its just about the cutest thing I've ever seen.



The drive up wasn't too bad. We stopped at a lot of rest areas to play in the grass. Lauren slept most of the way until evening when she decided she wanted no more of the car seat. Can't say I blame her, so we stopped just north of St. Louis for the night.

Tuesday afternoon we finally arrived in Janesville. After making a brief stop at my mom's we crashed. Thursday was Lexy's graduation. Even though there was some drama (expected, of course), it turned out to be a nice day. Here's a pic of the grad and Lil.



And here's my brother, Jake, (who's growing up WAY TOO FAST), with Lil. I think he likes being an uncle :o) I couldn't resist the shades.



We spent our trip mainly just hanging out with our families. Oh yeah, and shopping. Lots of shopping. But I'll tell you about that later. Now, just pictures.

Here's Lauren trying to eat a grape stem. It just wasn't what she was hoping for.



And here's my very good friend Erin with Lil. I miss her :o(



Oh yes. From the depths of Donald's parents' basement, is the outfit that Donald had made for him when he was a baby. I had to put it on Lil, just because. She'll kill me when she's older.




We also spent time at the pool. I love Janesville for their FREE!! wading pools.



Lounging in the sun is so much fun! Lauren loves to chew on her duck.



We took some pictures in the grass at the park. I love these shots.






Here's my mom and Lauren with Addy the dog. A little blurry, tho.

Moving

I'm moving my back entries from Myspace here. Hopefully it works.

Off to Wisco I go

Lilo and I are leaving for Wisconsin Monday morning. My sister is graduating high school on Thursday evening, and I promised her a long time ago that I'd be there. So, the pickle and I are packing up the car and going.

Donald can't come because he's too chicken to ask for the time off at work :o) Needless to say, I'm not overly thrilled about driving 800 miles alone with Lil, but we'll survive. We're taking our time, staying over night in St. Louis on the way up.

I'm not sure when we'll be coming home, probably in a week or two, depending on how soon I get sick of my family and how much school work I have. I'm really excited about seeing my sister, though, and I've gotten her the best graduation gift (can't tell you, I think she reads this, hehe). I'm hoping she has some days off work to go thrifing with me (hint, hint). So anyways, we'll be back in a few weeks with lots of new pictures!!

One of the best Pro-Choice Essays I've read in a while

The Rights Of the Born
By Anne Lamott, ANNE LAMOTT is a novelist and essayist. Her most recent book is "Plan B: Further Thoughts on Faith" (Riverhead, 2005).
February 10, 2006

EVERYTHING WAS going swimmingly on the panel. The subject was politics and faith, and I was on stage with two clergymen with progressive spiritual leanings, and a moderator who is liberal and Catholic. We were having a discussion with the audience of 1,300 people in Washington about many of the social justice topics on which we agree the immorality of the federal budget, the wrongness of the president's war in Iraq. Then an older man came to the mike and raised the issue of abortion, and everyone just lost his or her mind.

Or, at any rate, I did.

Maybe it was the way in which the man couched the question, which was about how we should reconcile our progressive stances on peace and justice with the "murder of a million babies every year in America." The man who asked the question was soft-spoken, neatly and casually dressed.

First Richard, a Franciscan priest, answered that this is indeed a painful issue but that it is not the only "pro-life" issue that progressives even Catholics should concern themselves with during elections. There are also the matters of capital punishment and the war in Iraq, and of HIV. Then Jim, an evangelical, spoke about the need to reduce the number of unwanted pregnancies, and the need to diffuse abortion as a political issue, by welcoming pro-choice and pro-life supporters to the discussion, with equal respect for their positions. He spoke gently about how "morally ambiguous" the issue is.

I sat there simmering, like a samovar; nice Jesusy me. The moderator turned to me and asked quietly if I would like to respond. I did: I wanted to respond by pushing over our table.

Instead, I shook my head. I love and respect the Franciscan and the evangelical, and agree with them 90-plus percent of the time. So I did not say anything, at first.

Then, when I was asked to answer the next question, I paused, and returned to the topic of abortion. There was a loud buzzing in my head, the voice of reason that says, "You have the right to remain silent," but the voice of my conscience was insistent. I wanted to express calmly, eloquently, that pro-choice people understand that there are two lives involved in an abortion one born (the pregnant woman) and one not (the fetus) but that the born person must be allowed to decide what is right.

Also, I wanted to wave a gun around, to show what a real murder looks like. This tipped me off that I should hold my tongue, until further notice. And I tried.

But then I announced that I needed to speak out on behalf of the many women present in the crowd, including myself, who had had abortions, and the women whose daughters might need one in the not-too-distant future people who must know that teenage girls will have abortions, whether in clinics or dirty backrooms. Women whose lives had been righted and redeemed by Roe vs. Wade. My answer was met with some applause but mostly a shocked silence.

Pall is a good word. And it did not feel good to be the cause of that pall. I knew what I was supposed to have said, as a progressive Christian: that it's all very complicated and painful, and that Jim was right in saying that the abortion rate in America is way too high for a caring and compassionate society.

But I did the only thing I could think to do: plunge on, and tell my truth. I said that this is the most intimate decision a woman makes, and she makes it all alone, in her deepest heart of hearts, sometimes with the man by whom she is pregnant, with her dearest friends or with her doctor but without the personal opinion of say, Tom DeLay or Karl Rove.

I said I could not believe that men committed to equality and civil rights were still challenging the basic rights of women. I thought about all the photo-ops at which President Bush had signed legislation limiting abortion rights, surrounded by 10 or so white, self-righteous married men, who have forced God knows how many girlfriends into doing God knows what. I thought of the time Bush appeared on stage with children born from frozen embryos, children he calls "snowflake babies," and of the embryos themselves, which he calls the youngest and most vulnerable Americans.

And somehow, as I was answering, I got louder and maybe even more emphatic than I actually felt, and said it was not a morally ambiguous issue for me at all. I said that fetuses are not babies yet; that there was actually a real difference between pro-abortion people, like me, and Klaus Barbie.

Then I said that a woman's right to choose was nobody else's goddamn business. This got their attention.

A cloud of misery fell over the room, and the stage. Finally, Jim said something unifying enough for us to proceed that liberals must not treat people with opposing opinions on abortion with contempt and exclusion, partly because it's tough material, and partly because it is so critical that we win these next big elections.

It was not until the reception that I finally realized part of the problem no one had told me that the crowd was made up largely of Catholics.

I had flown in at dawn on a red-eye, and, in my exhaustion, had somehow missed this one tiny bit of information. I was mortified: I had to eat my body weight in chocolate just to calm myself.

But then I asked myself: Would I, should I, have given a calmer answer? Wouldn't it have been more useful and harder to dismiss me if I had sounded more reasonable, less what is the word spewy?

Maybe I could have presented my position in a less strident, divisive manner. But the questioner's use of the words "murder" and "babies" had put me on the defensive. Plus I am so confused about why we are still having to argue with patriarchal sentimentality about teeny weenie so-called babies some microscopic, some no bigger than the sea monkeys we used to send away for when real, live, already born women, many of them desperately poor, get such short shrift from the current administration.

Most women like me would much rather use our time and energy fighting to make the world safe and just and fair for the children we do have, and do love and for the children of New Orleans and the children of Darfur. I am old and tired and menopausal and would mostly like to be left alone: I have had my abortions, and I have had a child.

But as a Christian and a feminist, the most important message I can carry and fight for is the sacredness of each human life, and reproductive rights for all women is a crucial part of that: It is a moral necessity that we not be forced to bring children into the world for whom we cannot be responsible and adoring and present. We must not inflict life on children who will be resented; we must not inflict unwanted children on society.

During the reception, an old woman came up to me, and said, "If you hadn't spoken out, I would have spit," and then she raised her fist in the power salute. We huddled together for awhile, and ate M&Ms to give us strength. It was a kind of communion, for those of us who still believe that civil rights and equality and even common sense will somehow be sovereign, some day

Where do you Splurge?

Everyone has things they like to splurge on. Most of the time I buy the cheapest thing I can find, but there are somethings that only one brand will do. Here are the things we like to spend the extra money on in our house. What things are worth the money to you?

~Thomas Bagels. They cost twice as much as other bagels, but they're huge and yummy and soft and oh yeah, yummy.

~The fastest cable internet connection I can find. Yeah, I know you can get dial-up for 10 bucks a month. I'm impatient. I like it fast. Plus I don't have a land line.

~New Balance Tennis Shoes. They're comfy. They last. They go with almost anything. 'Nuff said.

~Pamper's Swaddlers Diapers. They're the only ones I've found that don't leak. Plus I like the velcro tabs.

~Hair cuts/colors. Yeah, I spend $150 getting my hair done once in a while. But I feel soooo nice afterwards.

~DVR Service. Not home to watch Desperate Housewives? Baby crying in the middle of the Kentuky Derby? Pause. Rewind. Play. Awesome.

~Dyson Vacuum. You have not vacuumed your house till you've used one of these. Seriously. You'll be grossed out about how much stuff was actually in your carpet the first time you use it. If you have a pet, it's totally worth every penny.

~Britax Carseat. Mainly because I iked the color, but it's supposedly the safest one on the market. Because safety matters.

And then there are things I'm a cheap ass about. Where do you go cheap-o?

~My cell phone. I always get the free phone that comes with the plan. Because, really, do I need a camera when I'm on the phone?

~My car. I drive a cheap car and I probably always will. I would like to upgrade to something a little bigger in the future, but nothing expensive.

~ Bread. I buy the 88-cent-a-loaf white bread that will probably kill me someday.

~My silverware. Literally every piece of silverware we own has been stolen from a restaurant. I didn't do it. But someone I know very well, did, and he was kind enough to provide.

~Books. I used to buy books all time. Then I realized you can get the for free at the library. And yes, of course I take them back. What are you going to do with them after you read them, anyway?

So, what do you spend money on? What are you a cheap-o on?

My Hunny is so Sweet :o)

Friday morning I was kinda grumpy because we weren't going to be able to anything for my birthday. Donald had to work all weekend and couldn't get out of it, so I was feeling kind of lonely, I guess. Anyway, Friday afternoon there was a knock on my door and it was a guy holding a vase of flowers. Hunny sent me flowers! The first time, EVER, I might add. Donald hates flowers...he thinks they're a waste of money. I guess they are, really...I mean, they just die in a few days, but they're still pretty. When we lived in Wisconsin, there was a gas station that sold flowers for pretty cheap, so on my birthday and Valentine's Day I'd always get Kwik Trip flowers, but never any other kind. We used to always joke about that....

So, yeah...hunny sent me a dozen roses in a pretty vase. And, he got me the new Jewel CD and a CD of the London Theatre Orchestra performing songs from the Phantom of the Opera. AND a cross-stitch pattern of Van Gogh's Starry Night. AND (maybe the best of all) he stayed up with Lilo last night so I could get some sleep, even though he had to be to work early this morning. He's a good hunny....I think I'll keep him :o)

It's goona be a looong day....

Oh, it is not going to be a good day.

I didn't get to bed last night until 4:30 a.m. Donald worked at the bowling alley last night, and I can never get to sleep until he's home, and he got home reeeeaaally late last night. And, don't you know, the night I stay up late is the night Lilo sleeps for crap. She woke up three times between 4:30 and 7:30 wanting to nurse, two of those times crying. I think she might be going through a growth spurt, but she picked a real bad night to do it! So, 7:45 Lilo woke up again, but this time there was no putting her back to sleep because she was all sweaty and warm. Up we go, and on the way to her bedroom to change her diaper, she puked all over me. Puke on 3 hours of sleep is bad. Now she's playing on her blanket and is all smiles, but I can't wait for her morning nap. Mama needs a a nap, too.

If I don't get some sleep today I'm going to be forced to do some serious shopping therapy. And nobody wants to see that happen.

Updated to Add: She puked again. All over her play mat, all over herself. When I took her to the bedroom to clean her up, I discovered a dirty diaper straight from hades. This resulted in the crib sheets becoming infested with poo, even though I had put down a waterproof pad. 10 wet wipes and a new outfit later, I discovered she had puke in her hair too. Chunky puke. Ahhh.....too many bodily functions too early causes insanity.

Guess Jeans

I'm thinking of putting together a collection of short stories from my life, basically just so I have them written down. I was shopping the other day, and was reminded of an incident that took place was I was 12 or 13, and decided to start there. Here's the first installment:


When I was in middle school, all I wanted was a pair of Guess jeans. All of the cool kids had them, and even some of the not-so-cool kids. I begged my mom nearly every day. The only answer I got was, "We can't afford them."

My mom finally reached her breaking point one day while we were doing our annual fall school shopping. I think it was right before the start of 7th grade. We were at Sears, buying sensible clothing that she could afford, when I started in on the Guess jeans routine. Right in the middle of the store, she grabbed me by the arm, led me to Bergner's (the expensive store), and made me pick out a pair of Guess jeans. I didn't know what was going on, but I picked out my jeans and mom paid for them. I don't remember how much they cost, but I'm sure it was more than mom was planning on spending at Sears. After that, we went back to Sears to continue our shopping. Mom picked out some clothes for my brother and sister, and went to check out. I was confused. What about me? I asked mom when we were going to go buy the rest of my clothes for the year. She just looked at me, and then she said, "I could have bought you three pairs of jeans here for what I paid for the one pair that you so desperately needed. So this year, instead of having three pairs of jeans to wear to school, you'll have one. But I'm sure that's fine with you since they are the coolest pants around, right?" Suddenly my jeans weren't so cool.

The reality of having one nice pair of pants to wear to school finally set in around the second week of school, when kids were starting to notice that I kept wearing the same pants every day. I finally caved, and began wearing some of my too-short jeans from the previous year. My mom never said anything to me about it, but I'm sure inside she was shaking her head and saying, "I told you so."

I went to a big, suburban middle school in the best part of the city. We lived in a duplex right in the heart of the good part of town. In our backyard, literally, was the Saxer Mansion. I remember longingly looking out the window and wishing I lived there. Our house wasn't bad, but it wasnt ours. The duplex was the only rental unit on the block. Many of the kids I was so envious of lived just a block away, where the new subdivisions began. They would often ride their bikes past our house and I would wish that I could follow them home. It was as if I was always on the brink of something good, but couldn't quite reach it.

Grrrr.....

There's this commercial here for some ghetto cell phone company that annoys the crap out of me. Picture this: a blue screen with a cell phone in the middle and the only sound the comercial has is the most annoying factory ringtone that exists. That's all there is, a cell phone, some text, and the ringing. This goes on for a full 30 seconds. Everytime the commerical comes on, it wakes up Lilo. Grrrr.....

30 second commercial spots are expensive. I don't know who thought this commercial was worth that much money, but whoever it was must have been on crack.

School Again

Wow, yeah....so I'm going back to school for my Masters in Education. I never really intended to stop with my bachelors, but when I got pregnant with Lilo I kinda figured that was the end of school. Actually, that was fine with me, because by the time I'd finished in Madison, I was so sick of college that I never wanted to see the inside of a classroom again. And now, while I'm really enjoying staying at home with the babe, I know that someday I'm going to want to get a job and earn some cash so she can go to college someday. And, let's just face it, not many companies are eager to hire someone with a degree in history. Yeah, I can read, I can write, and I can analyze texts, but so freaking what. Soooo...I need something else.

When I was a kid, I always wanted to be a teacher. My parents, however, thought that being a teacher was a waste, and that I should go on to do something that would make me lots of money. You know, like doctor or lawyer....and my mom is *still* on me to be a nurse. Seriously, I called her and told her I was going back to school for education and she tried to talk me into going to nursing school instead. Yick. I admire all you nurses out there....I couldn't do it. Yick, yick, double yick. I digress. Anyway.

I'm doing my degree online at Western Governors University. I'm always kinda skeptical about these online universities...I'm always reminded of those mail order degrees you see on TV. Anyway, I've really researched this one and it is legit and accredited, and even applauded by many reputable organizations, like Google and Dell. Most of the program is done online (duh), but I will have to student teach for 4 months, as well as travel to Utah to defend my thesis and do oral comps. Which scares the bejesus out of me, but I'll cross that bridge when I get to it, I guess.

Anyway, 2-3 years from now I might have another degree. Or, knowing me, it could be six years. Heh. Either way, I start in a week.

My Favorite Easter Memory

During Spring Break my freshman year of high school, my dad and I went to Mississippi to visit my great Aunt Sandy. Aunt Sandy lived way out in the sticks, and going to her house was always fun for me because I had always lived in the city. I looked forward to visiting her because it seemed like there were always people around and other kids for me to play with. Spring Break was of course over Easter, which is why I happened to remember this particular incident today. It is my favorite Easter memory, however twisted that may be.



Aunt Sandy lived in what I would call a shack. It was what my dad calls a shotgun house: if you shot through the front door, the shot would go straight out the back door. Id never heard of such a thing; Im convinced it is a *southern thing*. I think there were about ten people staying in her little house for the week. Three of Aunt Sandys kids had come to visit: Mitch, along with his two daughters, Connie, with her two sons, and Merlene, a daughter she had given up for adoption and had recently been reunited with, as well as Merlenes daughter, Candy. Gary, another of Aunt Sandys kids lived across the road. All of us kids slept in one room, camped out on the bunk beds and the floor. The adults got the living room. It was a whole lot of fun with everyone being together.



Easter morning I woke up early. I could hear the adults all talking at the dining room table, and being the curious teenager that I was, I listened in. At the dining room table was Aunt Sandy, her four kids (Gary, Merlene, Connie, and Mitch) and my dad. The next thing I hear coming from Garys mouth is, I want to tell you all something. Im in love with my sister (Merlene).



Ooookay. Yeah. I wish you could have heard everyones reaction. Ill sure never forget it. There was a whole lot of swearing and a whole lot of drinking to follow (yes, on Easter morning). I guess its not completely as bad as it sounds. The first time Gary had met Merlene was, in fact, earlier that week, so its not like they grew up together. And, they did have different dads. But still. Yuck.



Gary and Merlene actually ended up getting married in Gatlinburg a year or so later. They were together until Gary died of a cocaine overdose in 2002. Merlene went on and married a preacher and lives in Tupelo now, I think. Yeah, I get the irony.



I tell this story much better in person. Its a great story to tell at a bar; somehow its even funnier when alcohol is involved. I dont remember what we did the rest of that Easter, but I will never forget that morning. It is my favorite Easter memory.

Nothing too much

Donald finally got a full-time job *whew*. I was starting to panic...the balance in our savings account was getting sadly low. So he's working at Dyatech
doing some accounting crap that goes WAY over my head. Whatever...it pays the bills :o) He's going to keep working at his beloved bowling alley, too...plus he's looking for a third shift job. You'd think he *likes* working or something. Nah, we're just trying to pay off some bills so we can buy a house.

Why didn't anyone tell me that Sonic's limeades were so freakin' good? I've been going to Sonic for years and years and had never tried a limeade till the other day. And now I'm hooked. Lilo and I go the park everyday, and on our way home we stop at Sonic. Evil I tell you.

Speaking of Lilo, she has a doctor's appointment tomorrow for her shots. *tear* I think it will be more traumatic for me than her. Her pediatrician is in Hattiesburg, and Donald wants to go for Mexican when we're done at the doc, but I have a feeling lil Lilo is going to be too cranky to hush in a restaraunt. We shall see.

Sometimes I Hate Mississippi

I'm really upset right now. I found out that it is going to cost nearly $2500 to license my car in Mississippi. EVERY YEAR. Are you freaking crazy?!? That's almost as much as Donald makes in a month -- there is no way we can afford to spend a month's income putting a sticker on just MY car. There's seriously something wrong here.

Here's how car licensing fees are figured: it's 30% of the blue book value of your car plus whatever the county wants to charge. I drive a 2001 Ford Focus that's worth about $8000. 30% of $8000 is $2400. You've got to be kidding me.

I get that states need to charge taxes to make money, yada yada yada. But come on now. I know Mississippi is not the richest state out there, but charging that kind of money to license a car is ridiculous. In Wisconsin it costs $55 a year, period. How does this state expect its citizens to ever get ahead when the average annual income is about $20,000 and then charges over 15% of that just to legally drive your car???

Charging that kind of money to license a car just doesn't make sense. I guess I could see charging a percentage on luxury vehicles. I mean, really, who NEEDS a car worth $40,000? If you've got that kind of money to spend on a car, then I'd guess you've got the money to pay high taxes on it. But for average, everyday people like me and my family, charging those kind of amounts only hurts us. With my car payment, insurance, gas and the liceensing fees, it costs $635 a month to drive my car. I don't even want to think about how much it will be when I add in Donald's car. That's more than we pay in rent each month.

If there was an alternative to owning a car in Mississippi, I'd consider it. But there's not. No car = no job = no money. There's no public transportation system here. So really, this state's gotcha by the balls. That is, unless you want to drive a $500 piece of shit rust bucket that MIGHT get you where you want to go. I don't get it. I really, really, don't get it. It makes me want to move.

When the girl cries, I can't think. About anything. The girl cries a lot. I've never had a baby before, so I don't know how much babies are supposed to cry, but this girl definately knows how to use her lungs. This situation leaves me braindead much of the time. I go to Target, list prepapred, Lauren in tow, ready to conquer the store, yet I fumble around like a madwoman, talking to myself all the while, trying desperately to first find my list, then remember where things are located in the store, and then trying to remember what I've already shopped for so I can mark them off the list. I'm a disaster.

I've come to the conclusion that it is a pretty good thing that I get to stay home with the girl. I don't think I'd have the mental capacity to do anything else that was remotely meaningful. I'd crack. I contemplated subbing a few days a week just to make some extra cash, but I really don't think I could do it. The first teenage jackass that opened his mouth would feel the wrath of an overtired mother who hears screaming in her head, even when the girl is sleeping.

Notes

We're finally (almost) settled in to our new place. The apartment is fine, expect that there is a funky smell in one of the bathrooms that I can't seem to pinpoint. Other than that, I'm pretty happy with the place. Donald did a great job moving us...I can't take much of the credit because he did 90% of the work. Sure, I hung the curtains and unpacked the kitchen, but that's about it. I don't know what I'd do without that man!

Lauren is doing well. We've taking to calling her Lilo; I'm not sure why. She's getting so big! She's so good when we go to the store; she especially likes Target -- can't say I blame her! We've decorated her room with my frog collection. It sure is cute! Donald has to go to Lowe's tomorrow to get a few shelves, but then her room will be finished. I hope she likes frogs when she gets older!

Well, I'm off to bed. It's been a long day, but I just wanted to update.

And so it begins....

And so begins my weekend of hell. In two hours, we are leaving for Jackson to sign our lease and move the first load of crap into the apartment. Then, we are making one mega grocery shopping trip, eating dinner, and heading back to Hattiesburg for the night. Bright and early tomorrow morning, we're picking up the U-Haul, then going to my dad's house to get furniture from his garage, then to dad's storage unit to get the sofa, chair, and piano, THEN to our storage unit to get the rest of our stuff, and finally, back to Jackson. All of this, mind you, with a six-week old and two cats in tow. *Sigh*

Our internet is being hooked up by Time Warner Cable on Monday evening, so expect me back then. Toodles for now....wish me luck.

Have You Ever...

Place an X by all the things you've done, or remove the x from the ones you have not. This is for your entire life:

(X) Smoked a cigarette
(X) Drank so much you threw up
( ) Crashed a friend's car
( ) Stolen a car
(X) Been in love
(X) Been dumped.
( ) Been laid off/fired
(X) Quit your job!
( ) Been in a fist fight
(X) Snuck out of your parent's house
(X) Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back
( ) Been arrested?
( ) Gone on a blind date
(X) Lied to a friend
(X) Skipped school
(X) Seen someone die
( ) Been to Canada
( ) Been to Mexico
(X) Been on a plane
(X) Been lost
(X) Been on the opposite side of the country
(X) Gone to Washington, DC
(X) Swam in the ocean
(X) Felt like dying
(X) Cried yourself to sleep
( ) Played cops and robbers
(X) Recently colored with crayons
(X) Sang karaoke
(X) Paid for a meal with only coins...
(X) Done something you told yourself you wouldn't?
(X) Made prank phone calls...
(X) Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose
(X) Caught a snowflake on your tongue.
(X) Danced in the rain
(X) Written a letter to Santa Claus
( ) Been kissed under the mistletoe
(X) Watched the sun rise with someone you care about
(X) Blown bubbles
(X) Made a bonfire on the beach
( ) Crashed a party
(X) Gone roller-skating
(X) Ice-skating....

Unknown Housing

Next Friday, I'm moving into an apartment I've never seen. I'm very frightened by this.

Donald and I moved to Hattiesburg the week before Katrina. Yep, bad timing, I know. That's been happening a lot lately, but that's another story completely. Anyway...we've been staying with a few fairies for the past six months because Dad's house was completely destroyed by the storm. We tried desperately to find housing in Hattiesburg, but it seems more than a few people's homes were destroyed, so no apartments have been available. We looked at a duplex a few weeks ago, but it was completely disgusting and way overpriced. So....we decided to move to Jackson.

I like Jackson; there are parks and museums and a few normal people. But...I don't know Jackson very well. We looked at quite a few places, but none had everything we wanted for the price we wanted. We finally found two complexes that were in our price range that had the amenities we needed. Apartment A was big, clean, had brand new kitchen appliances....but the complex itself was kinda ghetto. Plus it didn't have a washer/dryer connection. Apartment B had everything we wanted, plus the grounds were clean and it is in a good part of town (or so I hear). But...they didn't have any units available for us to view. So...we signed the lease anyway. Next weekend we move in. This might be the craziest thing I've ever done. Oh yeah...right next to moving to the coast during hurricane. That was fun.

Forgive me

I've been thinking a lot lately about people who I've not treated as well as I should, as well as those people who have not treated me well. For some reason, I feel an overwhelming sense of shame and guilt about the wrongdoings I've committed in the past. I find myself thinking about these people, and wondering how I can make it right...and then realizing: the past cannot be changed.

The one person I feel most badly about is Brian. God, I treated him like shit without even realizing it. Looking back, I can see that he loved me more than anything and I didn't recognize or appreciate it. Sure, I loved him, but I took it for granted...a mistake I hope to never make again. He's married now, and I hope he is truly happy and has found what he was looking for. To Brian, I am sincerely sorry and I hope you will someday forgive me.

To Donald: I'm sorry that I didn't realize sooner that everything I was looking for was right in my own backyard. I'm sorry I made you complete an obstacle course before accepting you. You've been my very best friend for so long, I think I started to take you for granted, too. For all of this and more, I'm sorry. I know you have forgiven me along time ago, and for this I am humbled. You mean everything to me.

To Mom: I know now how hard it must have been for you. I know you've always wanted the best for your children but didn't always know how to provide that. Every person has their own struggles in life that they must work through, including you. I'm sorry I didn't realize that sooner. I no longer judge you, but look at you as a fellow cast member of this production called life. I'm sorry for all of the awful things I've said to you. I know we will never agree on some things, but that's okay. Love doesn't rely on complete agreement.

To those who have hurt me: I forgive you. We are all a product of our environments, and I know that many of you acted as a part of that environment. Acceptance and tolerance do not come easy in this world; it is something we each must work at every day. It is very easy to hurt, but much harder to heal. My wounded heart has healed, and will do so again should I be hurt again.